Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
you had me at cake vodka
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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