he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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