i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
