OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
