Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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