apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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