What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
