I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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