Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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