I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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