I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He felt like a one man threesome
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
