made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
