i think my tv is drunk
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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