And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
