Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
She bit a glass in half.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
