I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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