I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
