she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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