My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
