She is in my trunk
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
