I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
