So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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