if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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