Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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