I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
