Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
