My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
