I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
