your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
