Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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