woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
