We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
