when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
