i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
