Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
