Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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