don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
