I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
