I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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