So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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