Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
