I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
