Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(972): View more from Texas

Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.

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(904): View more from Florida

Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?

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(516): View more from New York

I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".

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(541): View more from Oregon

theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!

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(239): View more from Florida

Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs

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