Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I would fuck him just for his dog
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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