my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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