Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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