I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
