Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
