How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
there was a trapeze. enough said
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
