A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
