And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
